


New Ground

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 06:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10758201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A Sacred Ground episode addition. Kathryn is unsettled after her ordeal and must come to terms with the outcome of her experience. It seems that Kes wasn’t the only one whose life was ‘saved’ during the ritual.





	New Ground

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday Brianna 2008. I hope you have a wonderful day. hugs.
> 
> Thank you to Mary S for the beta.

Kathryn blinked slowly, her weary gaze following the Doctor as he circled his desk. He was talking animatedly to Kes about her cure; however, Kathryn could barely raise her head to concentrate on what he was saying. It was as if she were wading through molasses, her mind lost in a fog of confused images and memories. His explanation sounded very reasonable and logical, but it jarred abrasaively against the reality of her experiences and she had great difficulty reconciling it with how she felt.

“…They caused a temporary dielectric effect in the outer epidermal layers which neutralised some of the biogenic energy. Not much, but enough to make the Captain’s altered bio-chemistry an effective defence.”

Kes was watching the Doctor’s every move. “Then how was I cured?”

“The metabolic treatment I administered protected you against the full impact of exposure to the field when the Captain took you through. That exposure functioned like a natural cortical stimulator and reactivated your synaptic pathways.”

Kes smiled and answered excitedly. “That’s fascinating, Doctor.”

They both turned towards Kathryn, eager for her approval and she noted their confusion as she looked at them blankly. Unable to dredge up a skerrick of enthusiasm, she was helpless to govern her jaded response. Exhausted and bone weary after her ordeal, she was even beyond pretending she cared. And she hurt; every muscle, joint, and part of her, inside and out, was aching and sore. The Nechani ritual had been a brutal test of endurance and she’d been pushed to her limits, both physically and mentally; but it had been her return to the ship that left her truly shattered.

Caught in this unsettling state of dissociation, she’d listened to the Doctor’s analysis as he reduced her extraordinary undertaking to a handful of chemical reactions. His explanation sat in unwieldy discordance with the depth and breadth of what she’d endured. Her ordeal had been a life changing and momentous event although – she couldn’t explain why.

Struck with a sudden sense of urgency, she knew she had to leave sickbay before the Doctor or Kes began asking awkward questions and she found herself snapping angry and bitter replies. She wasn’t quick enough however, and the Doctor and Kes’s concerned faces loomed before her.

“Captain?” The Doctor frowned. “If there’s something about my analysis that you disagree with…?”

Her mind screamed, ‘ _Everything!’_ Instead, she stared, her expression devoid of emotion. “It’s a perfectly sound explanation, Doctor. Very…” The accusing voices of the ancestors echoed through her mind. “… _scientific_.”

Why did that word and all that it represented suddenly seem almost obscene in its connotation? Without another word, she stood and moved past Kes and the Doctor.

Science had been her conviction, her anchor and ultimate truth for as long as she could remember. It was the rigid edict by which she lived her life but that was all in the past now. That comfortable place of superiority that she’d inhabited for so long was no longer hers. Its fortifications had been breached, and she was shaken to her core.

Kathryn could feel the Doctor and Kes’s concerned gazes follow her as she moved towards the exit but as she approached the open doors, the feeling of otherworldliness engulfed her, causing her to falter. Kes was right. The Doctor’s explanation was fascinating and, as she herself had said, it was perfectly sound, but in her heart, she knew that it was wrong. There was something else, something intrinsic and vital that she couldn’t explain or define. Her scientist’s mind was floundering, frantically searching for reasons and truths. Whatever they were, their effect upon her was profound. Her encounter with Nechani spirituality had reached something deep and untouched within her, shaking the very foundations of her beliefs and challenging her on an elemental level. With a determined step, she marched out of sickbay.

Deeply distracted, she strode along the corridor, head down, her mind a chaotic jumble. She was so consumed with her thoughts and worries that she didn’t hear or see him coming. Without warning, she slammed into his chest with a great jolt. Strong arms wrapped around her, keeping her upright and at the same time, the air whooshed from her lungs.

* * *

Chakotay was on his way to find her. The Doctor had sent his final report regarding Kathryn and Kes’s conditions, plus his analysis of the unorthodox cure. It made for an interesting read and seemed feasible under the circumstances, but the message he’d received from Kes barely seconds later had worried him. It had been a typical Kes understatement, delivered in her soft, brook-no-nonsense tones. _“Commander, the Captain has just left sickbay, she is well, but I suggest you speak to her immediately.”_

Chakotay had been out of his seat and almost to the turbo lift before she’d finished speaking. Nodding briskly to Tuvok, he muttered a quick, “The bridge is yours,” as he passed. He entered the lift, ordering it to deck five in hope of catching Kathryn before she got too far from Sickbay.

The previous five days had been gruelling and, unbeknownst to Kathryn, he’d shared every terrifying moment with her. Surviving on little or no sleep, he’d carried out his threat and taken up residence by the sickbay monitors, his eyes glued to the readouts to ensure she wasn’t in danger. The Doctor had eventually ordered him out of sickbay, but Chakotay rerouted the information to his Bridge console and then to the one in his quarters. He’d refused to risk her safety and constantly monitored her life signs for the duration of her away mission. It was his duty, after all, as first officer, to ensure her well-being. He grunted a laugh as he stepped out of the turbo lift and strode up the corridor towards sickbay. ‘ _Duty my ass!’_ Duty had been only a miniscule part of his motivation. He’d done it because he loved her, deeply. This was a fact that he’d accepted long ago, and so had most of the crew, it seemed. He hadn’t been particularly discreet about his feelings over the last few days. The Doctor, Neelix, Tuvok, and many of the Bridge crew, had watched him openly worry and fret about her absence and condition. Tuvok and Neelix had been witness to his confrontations with the Doctor on more than one occasion, demanding Kathryn’s return and closer scrutiny of her vital signs.

At last, it was over, albeit for the second time. However, this time Kes _was_ cured and Chakotay was finally able to relax.

Kathryn had returned to the ship once before, a little over twenty-four hours before, only to beam back to the surface after the Doctor’s initial treatment failed and Kes’s condition deteriorated even further. Chakotay had been in sickbay when the Doctor examined Kathryn that first time. He’d been there to reassure himself that she was indeed all right. Thinking that he was able to breathe easy at last, he’d left her in the Doctor’s overly solicitous care, only to hear from him moments later, that she’d transported back down to the planet and that Kes was near death.

This had meant going back to the monitors and the familiar churn of worry that had been his constant companion for the previous four days. Eventually, she’d contacted him, asking him to meet her in the Nechani caves and to bring Kes with him. He’d done as she’d asked, but against his better judgement, and to his horror, he’d had to watch Kathryn walk into the shrine, carrying Kes and risking her life yet again. She’d insisted he trust her but he’d wanted nothing more than to relieve her of duty and keep her safe. It had taken all his self-control to stop himself from physically restraining her. She would never have forgiven him if he had and besides, it would have been a pointless exercise. She’d been determined and as usual, she’d gotten her way. It had almost killed him, though.

And of course she’d been right. Stepping into the deadly biogenic field had cured Kes. Kathryn Janeway had beaten the odds once again.

He’d been in constant contact with Sickbay since her return, and the Doctor had assured him that she was all right – tired and worn out, but uninjured. However, Kes’s call had struck a chord of concern. The young Ocampan wasn’t prone to panic or unnecessary worry, so, with that in mind, he’d taken heed and was on his way to find Kathryn.

Still scanning the report as he strode along the corridor, he wasn’t expecting to meet anyone coming in the opposite direction. As he rounded the bend, a body slammed into him. He dropped the PADD and grabbed the person to stop them falling. It was Kathryn.

* * *

Two strong arms wrapped around her. She knew it was only to keep her from falling, but tumbling to the floor wasn’t the only fall she feared taking.

She was feeling unnaturally fragile and unnerved, and in her confusion, her mind refused to make sense of or accept any of the ritual’s lessons. _Ha! Ritual?_ It was far more complex than that and infinitely more disturbing. She’d never felt so isolated or out of her depth in her life. As Chakotay’s arms wound themselves around her, she gladly accepted their warmth and the sturdiness of his embrace but was accosted by an unsettling flood of sensory inputs.

His scent was the first thing that struck her. It was so wonderfully familiar and reassuring. The heat of him was the next sensation that registered, closely followed by the feeling of strength both in his embrace and in the body that she could feel pressed against hers. Lastly, his voice – deep and mellow – filled with genuine concern, soothed her.

“Kathryn?”

She was behaving completely out of character and could tell that he was worried, but she didn’t have the ability to control her reactions. The barriers that she’d so carefully constructed over the years had been demolished, and she was exposed and vulnerable.

Instead of stepping out of his arms, as she would normally do, brushing off the incident with a laugh and retreating behind wry smiles and sarcasm, she didn’t move. This time her arms refused to let go. It was as if they had a mind of their own, wrapping tightly around him, her hands grasping convulsively at his jacket. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, her body humming with tension. Briefly, she wondered if he could hear the high-pitched whine of her taut nerves and the thundering of her heart.

“Kathryn, are you all right?”

His voice was soft and concerned and although she wanted to reassure him, she couldn’t speak. If she tried, she’d cry. Her emotions were raw and unpredictable, so she shook her head against his chest and he understood instantly.

Of course he did, bless him. He was ‘her’ Chakotay and he always understood. His arms tightened around her and, in relief, her body sagged against his, her legs going out from under her. Without hesitation, he hoisted her into his arms and called for a transport to his quarters. It took only a moment and, before she registered anything other than the proximity of his body, he was setting her gently on his couch. Pulling a throw from the back of a chair, he draped it over her legs, tucking it around her gently.

Her gaze followed his movements as he headed to the replicator. His concerned eyes met hers as he ordered. “One large brandy, warm.”

Sitting next to her, he placed the brandy balloon in her hand and helped lift it to her lips. She took a grateful sip and the warmth exploded through her, centring her. She turned and looked at him. “Thank you.”

He smiled, looking relieved that she was still coherent. Taking the glass from her, he placed it on the table in front of them and, holding her hands, looked into her eyes. “The Doctor assures me that the captain is well, although in need of a good sleep. What I want to know, is _Kathryn_ all right?”

She nodded and croaked her usual, “I’m fine.” But she knew that the look of devastation in her eyes was poorly concealed and a true indicator of her emotional state. Blinking slowly she turned away from the dark, soulful gaze that made her heart want to break.

* * *

Chakotay wasn’t sure what to do. Kathryn looked shattered. Her eyes were lifeless and rimmed with dark circles. That defining spark that usually shimmered in their depths was missing. Part of the problem, he knew, was her extreme tiredness. She’d endured unknown physical and mental stresses, deprived of sleep for over five days and then poisoned. If it had been any other person, he would have put her behaviour down to pure exhaustion, but this was Kathryn Janeway and there was something else going on. Some other unmentioned occurrence had taken place and he was desperate to help her. If only he could get her to tell him what was wrong. Pressing her for information wasn’t an option. He’d tried that tack before and it only ended with shields up and chasms of distance between them.

Handing her the glass of brandy, he straightened the blanket again, tucking it closer around her legs. He needed to connect with her, too. She was unaware of what he’d been through during her absence, and he wasn’t going to tell her, but he hadn’t come away from this ordeal unscathed. He had his own healing to do. That, however, would have to wait.

Right now, Kathryn’s wellbeing was of paramount importance. Chakotay gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “It will be all right. You did it. Against the odds, you got Kes back.”

With his words, her head snapped towards him and she frowned, her eyes clouded with anger and something else that he couldn’t quite define. She tossed back a mouthful of brandy and placed the glass on the table with a bang. Staring straight ahead, her hands gripped the blanket, her knuckles turning white with the effort of containing her emotions. He placed a gentle hand over her straining fist and she turned and glared at him. “Yes, I got her back, but it’s not Kes who’s lost, it’s me. I’m floundering and I have been for a long time. I don’t know what to do.” Admitting this was costing her dearly and he watched as she swallowed hard again, her voice less strident. “I’m not all right.”

Fear gripped him. “What!? Is there something you didn’t tell the Doctor? Did the bite affect you more than you said?” Without thinking, he pulled her arm towards him and pushed up her sleeve. Running his fingers over the red marks of the nesset bite, he inspected the fading scars.

Shaking her head, she pulled her arm slowly from his grasp, sliding it away until her hand rested in his. With her eyes on their hands, she wove her fingers through his and held on with a deathly grip. “No, but in my delirium, I found myself back there.”

Chakotay frowned. “Where? The Nechani sanctuary?”

Kathryn shook her head. “No, in the place where I met my spirit guide. I recognised it instantly – the waves crashing over the rocks, the sun and the sand. It was such a relief to be somewhere familiar, somewhere that gave me peace. I’d been through so much. Challenge after challenge, I was at the end of my endurance, exhausted and scared. I didn’t think I could drag myself another step and then, when the guide asked me if I was ready, I said that I was and I opened my eyes.” She turned to him. “And I knew…”

“What did you know, Kathryn?”

“I knew that somehow, and for some reason completely beyond my comprehension, my life is entwined with yours on such a deep and spiritual level that there is no way to escape it… or ignore it.”

“Do you want to escape?”

“God, no! When I realised where I was, I became filled with this most wonderful sense of peace and understanding.”

“I’m pleased. Very pleased, but Kathryn… I don’t know why you feel that there is something wrong, and that you’re not all right. Did something else happen?”

She shook her head. “Nothing other than I’ve been a fool.” With her hand still gripping his, she turned towards him fully and began to tell him about her ordeal. “I was so filled with arrogant preconceptions. You knew and tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. I was so smug and patronising in my belief that science overrode everything else. I’m ashamed of myself when I think of how I behaved towards you and the Nechani. You must have wanted to shake me.”

Chakotay smiled warmly. “No, Kathryn. I learnt a long time ago that reasoning with you is far more successful than shaking you.”

She gave him a small smile of thanks. “You have the patience of a saint.”

He laughed. “Now _that_ would be an interesting deity.”

The tension eased but Kathryn was determined to tell him everything as it had happened and how she’d come to her epiphany. She shrugged. “When I first began the ritual, my guide placed me in a room with two old men and an old woman. I had no idea what I was doing there. They seemed ridiculous to me, nonsensical.”

“Were they the ancestors?”

“I have no idea. They didn’t seem to know either – answering my questions with more questions and ridiculing my attempts to make sense of what they were saying. I presume that they were. They told me to sit and wait with them, but I was so busy wanting to get on with the ‘ritual’ that I wouldn’t give them the time of day. Because they didn’t seem ‘intellectual’, I assumed they were some sort of test to be passed. When I couldn’t get any of the answers I wanted from them, I dismissed them as unimportant, but they managed to undermine my every move and preconceived idea. I felt like a fool, and you know how I hate that.”

Chakotay nodded and, smiling gently, squeezed her hands.

She gave his hand a squeeze in return. “I think that was the idea, though. To make me see that, even with everything I thought I knew, I knew nothing. Not one bit of my learned knowledge was of any use. They challenged the very basis of my beliefs; they laughed at them and rightly so. I was so pompous and overbearing. I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself.”

Chakotay nodded slowly, not entirely sure where this was leading. “Don’t underestimate your capacity for understanding, Kathryn. You’re remarkably intuitive and that clashes with your scientific training but you still manage to find a balance. Perhaps they were trying to tell you to trust that part of your intelligence. Not everything can be reduced to a formula or an equation.”

She sat up straight and tugged at his hands. “ _You_ know that, but it seems I don’t. Or rather, I didn’t. I blustered my way through ‘the ritual’. I was condescending and superior, as if I knew better. I’m a scientist, therefore, I was smarter, more exacting, and more knowledgeable than all of them… I’m a fool.”

“You are nothing of the sort, and you have to understand, Kathryn, that this type of spiritual journey will always challenge your preconceived ideas _and_ ideals. That’s the whole point. They’re undertaken to make you examine those rigid beliefs and ideologies that you’ve come to accept as truths. There are very few things that are truths in this life and what is true today isn’t necessarily true tomorrow.”

She looked him in the eye and spoke clearly. “I love you today, and I know that it will be true tomorrow.”

Chakotay smiled. “I said very few things. That just happens to be one of them. I love you too.”

She slumped against him, and, with her head resting on his shoulder, he tucked her securely into his side.

She muttered. “That’s a relief. I thought I might never get to tell you.”

He kissed her forehead. “Even if you’d never told me Kathryn, I knew.”

She swallowed. “I’m glad, but it still wasn’t right to keep it from you. The regret I felt about that was intense and I punished myself for it. I forced myself to face so many of my fears during the ritual, only to find at the end that none of it meant anything. They kept telling me that it meant nothing, but I didn’t believe them, not until the very end.” She sighed. “I’ve learned something about myself, though. I’m a survivor and stronger than I imagined.”

“You are one of the strongest people I know, Kathryn. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I didn’t but after the nesset bite, when I thought I was dying, I was terribly afraid. They put me in a pit, similar to the one I was in when I was taken by the Cardassians all those years ago. It seems that in my quest to pass the ritual, I’d managed to dredge up all these deep-seated fears as a means to test myself.”

“Kathryn, you’ve always been hardest on yourself. Setting almost impossible standards to uphold. Don’t you think it’s time to step back a little and allow yourself some breathing room?”

“From where I’m sitting at the moment that seems like a very good idea, but Chakotay, when they put me in that hole, I truly thought I was dying.”

“Oh, Kathryn. We had no idea. If we’d known…”

She shrugged. “You couldn’t have, and it was my own fault, they told me time and again that none of it was important but I continued to ignore them, putting myself through gruelling test after gruelling test. I failed most of them, but do you know what my overriding thought was as my guide closed the lid over me in that hole in the ground?”

Chakotay shook his head, his heart aching for her.

“The waste. I’d told her that I was dying and all she said was, ‘Everyone dies eventually.’ I knew in that moment that I’d wasted so much of my life.” She barked a bitter laugh and shook her head sadly. “After my father and Justin’s death, I spent years ensuring that everyone and everything that was likely to cause me grief was kept at a distance. If anything should breach my self-imposed barriers, I analysed it, made it a quantifiable entity and then compartmentalised it. Even my relationship with Mark was something that I boxed up and kept separate from my fears and needs.” She squeezed Chakotay’s hands hard; this was the only outward indication of her distress. “We were engaged, for god’s sake, although I never totally committed myself to him. I put off our marriage repeatedly; I kept my own house, my own friends and my own space, within and without. Poor Mark. He was safe, dependable and eminently quantifiable… he never did anything out of the ordinary. I could rely on him to react in the same way in every given situation. He and our regimented relationship were perfect for the parameters I’d set for myself, all clearly wrapped and labelled, with no risk of surprise. What an awful way to live.”

Chakotay rubbed his hand comfortingly up and down her arm. He didn’t interrupt, feeling that it was important that she articulate her feelings; by allowing herself to gain some perspective on the situation, she might find a level of closure.

She was still clasping his hand tightly as she continued. “So there I was, dying, the lid of my ‘coffin’ closing, and me suddenly realising that I’d frittered away half my life. I could almost bear that, but what made me want to scream at the unfairness of it all, was that I’d never told you that I loved you. You, my best friend, the man I adored and the other half of my heart, would never know how I felt.” Her eyes met his. “Therefore, to rectify that situation, I’m telling you now. I love you, Chakotay and, if I start at that one truth, it gives me a wonderfully solid base from which to launch myself into the rest of my life. The ritual was traumatic and terrifying on many levels, but it taught me some long overdue lessons. I’m never going to take those I love for granted ever again. I’m not infallible or all knowing, and I need you. All of you. I’m climbing down from my pedestal but I’m going to need your help. What do you think?” Her eyes were clear, still dark rimmed with tiredness, but the spark of vitality was back, making Chakotay smile. She was amazing.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, Kathryn.”

She smiled warmly, the first genuine smile she’d given him since he’d run into her in the corridor. “You sound like my mother.”

He shrugged and grinned. “Could be worse, I could sound like Tuvok.” He leant forward and kissed her forehead, grateful that she seemed to have come to some conclusion about her ordeal. It seemed that the initial crisis was over and as her eyes closed, he could feel her body grow heavy as she drifted towards sleep, the exhaustion finally catching up with her.

Too tired to open her eyes, she smiled again and hummed in answer.

Chakotay smiled warmly. “We’ll talk more about it tomorrow, now what you need is sleep.”

Her hand reached up and stroked his face, coming to rest on his chest near her cheek. “I’m comfortable here. I don’t want to leave.”

“You don’t have to, but you’ll sleep better in your bed.”

Kathryn shook her head. “I’ll sleep just as soundly in your bed. I don’t want to be alone.”

“That’s easily remedied.” And before she had a chance to react, he lifted her into his arms again, and carried her to his bed. She was fast losing the battle with sleep, and with his help, she stripped down to her tank and panties and slid between the sheets of his bed.

* * *

The bed smelled of him, which gave her comfort. Within a minute, she felt the bed dip as he climbed in beside her. She moved into his arms, flush against his bare chest and draped her leg across his thighs, making herself comfortable.

Closing her eyes, she began to drift in the twilight world of almost-sleep. Through the haze of impending slumber, she could have sworn she heard the distant voices of the ancestors. “See, didn’t I tell you she would find her way?”

“She took her sweet time about it. Looking here, looking there, when all the time, the truth was right there in front of her.”

“Well, what do you expect from someone who is always looking for answers and reasons? Sometimes you just have to accept that things simply _are_ … there doesn’t have to be a reason.”

Kathryn smiled; sleep and Chakotay were wrapping their warm arms around her. With her eyes still closed, she reached up, kissed him sweetly and mumbled, “I love you. Thank you.”

Chakotay kissed her lips in return and whispered in her ear that he loved her too.

The Ancestors, however, had the final word. “I didn’t think she had it in her, but she’s smarter than we thought. She’s seen the truth at last.”

“Hmm, smart woman indeed.”

Kathryn sank into the warmth of Chakotay’s embrace, not questioning, not analysing, just feeling… and it was perfect.

Fin


End file.
